Peaceful Life Radio

Dr Christy Vincent - The Power of Better Questions

• David Lowry

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In this episode of Peaceful Life Radio, hosts David Lowry and Don engage in a profound discussion with Dr. Christy Vincent, Professor Emeritus of Communications and Executive Coach about the transformative power of asking more and better questions to foster deeper, more meaningful relationships. Dr. Vincent emphasizes the importance of approaching relationships with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to listen. By asking open and honest questions, individuals can draw out the inner wisdom and perspectives of others, enriching interactions and avoiding the pitfalls of surface-level conversations and unsolicited advice. Don and David also share personal anecdotes and strategies for incorporating these techniques into daily life, aiming to guide listeners toward more intentional and fulfilling connections.

00:00 Introduction and Opening Remarks
00:28 Meet Dr. Christy Vincent
01:34 The Importance of Asking Questions
02:22 Building Deeper Relationships
04:09 Perspective Seeking Questions
07:46 The Role of Open and Honest Questions
19:08 Navigating Difficult Conversations
22:11 Practical Tips for Asking Better Questions
24:27 Mindfulness and Self-Awareness
26:26 Conclusion and Farewell

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Dr. Christy Vincent:

As we go through our lives, relationships change. And it's really a good idea to approach our relationships with a continued openness and interest and curiosity so that we can draw the other person out, get to know them for who they are right now, not some preconceived notion that we have of them or what we think or presume we know about them.

David Lowry:

This is David Lowry. Welcome to Peaceful Life Radio. That was Dr. Christy Vincent, who's going to be our guest on our show today. And you can tell from that clip, it's really good. And Don, it's good to see you today.

Don Drew:

It's good to see you, David. We want to remind all our listeners to like, download, and share our program. Tell all your friends about it. Get the word out.

David Lowry:

We've got some great guests coming.

Don Drew:

Yes we do.

David Lowry:

Don, why don't you tell us about our guest today?

Don Drew:

I will. This is Dr. Christy Vincent. She's Professor Emeritus of Communications and an Executive Coach and the President of Remind LLC. Anybody wanting to get hold of her, you're going to find her at christyvincent. com. Today she's going to be talking about Asking More and Better Questions, but in truth, I need to let everybody know, this is actually my wife and I'm very proud of her. She's does a great work in everything she does. And I'm really excited about this. I actually learned a lot about how to ask more and better questions from her. And I think she's got some really valuable things to share with us today.

David Lowry:

Christy, we're so glad you're on our program. Thank you for coming back again. And Don, let's begin our questions for Christy.

Don Drew:

Let's keep it really simple and straightforward Dr. Vincent why is it important to ask more and better questions?

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Thanks so much, and it's great to be with you all today. So I make a living by asking questions. So, maybe I have a little bias toward that. But one of the primary reasons is that one of the ways you can developyour relationships with people to become deeper and closer is if you are willing to approach those relationships with curiosity and ask questions as opposed to what we tend to do instead. And that is be in a telling mode, rather than a questioning mode. And there's lots of reasons why that is important. But that's the first place I want to start with your listeners. When you are in the second part of your life, then you often have been in relationships with people for a long period of time. Say your children, you were their parents when they were young, maybe then teenagers, young adults. I have a son who's 42 this year. And as my relationship with him has changed over time, I have had to adjust my role as his parent and how I talk with him.

David Lowry:

Christy, I have a son about the same age. Sometimes I have to, suck my breath in and say, remember, he is a CFO of a real estate company in Los Angeles. He doesn't need you to give him advice on much of anything these days. We still have this great relationship, but it's different than it was, right? We have to remind ourselves that's not a kid like you remember.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Absolutely. And the other types of relationships is your relationships with your own parents as you age, relationships with your siblings. Perhaps even former co workers or current co workers. As we go through our lives, relationships change. And it's really a good idea to approach our relationships with a continued openness and interest and curiosity so that we can draw the other person out, get to know them for who they are right now, not some preconceived notion that we have of them or what we think or presume we know about them.

Don Drew:

And so where I think we're going is the way to do that, or one way to do that is to ask more questions.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Yes, absolutely. But you don't want the person to feel like they're being deposed. So, it's a posture of openness and curiosity that you have toward the people in your life. And you ask what I call perspective seeking questions, where you try to understand how the person is making sense of the world and how they are feeling about their world, what they're thinking about situations. And by asking them questions, you are showing a level of humility toward them. You're making yourself vulnerable because you're engaging in a true dialogue. It's not a true dialogue when we come in here, what someone has to say for a couple of seconds, and then we start advising. It's coming from a good place. I know it is because we care about people. We love them. But when we come in and begin our telling, then we often will close down conversations and close down relationships because the other person doesn't feel heard, seen, understood.

David Lowry:

This is an exciting thing to hear from my viewpoint because we've known people for a long time, but sometimes we may have never really gone beneath the surface to ask those questions like you're talking about. So many of our friendships have been so surface levels. But think about the richness a senior has in their life all of us have this treasure trove of information within us, but sometimes we've not really been allowed to share some of that.

Don Drew:

But also, David, I think sometimes we feel like we are in a position where we are expected to tell, advise, mentor, direct, and I think what we're hearing here is that may be the message we've gotten throughout a big part of our lives, but it's not really where we might find ourselves now.

David Lowry:

It's not. I like this. Let's keep on with this idea of these perspective questions.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Absolutely. I want to ask a question. Have you been in a situation where you've been concerned about something happening in your life and you've told someone else about it. And they responded, probably from a good place, but you kind of think okay, but I can think of a lot of reasons why that advice isn't very good for my particular situation. And one of the favorite quotes I have in my head is we give advice by the bucket, but we take it by the grain.

David Lowry:

Yes, I have been in that situation, and there's something resistant in me when that happens. Almost a bit off putting, it's like, you're not really getting this level of interaction with one another that you could be having. And instead you're wasting your time listening to I'll tell you what I used to do back in the day, or something like that, as opposed to hearing things that cause you to reevaluate your way of looking at the world to find a new fresh way of looking at it.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Oh, that's absolutely right. And because we're not going in with some presumption that we know what is best for the other person, or even how the person is thinking or feeling about it, then we're able to help them think for themselves. They have an inner teacher themselves, they have inner wisdom, and many times if we can be the person who asks questions of them, we can actually help them unlock some of those answers for themselves. We cannot do that if we are telling.

David Lowry:

Let's talk about that, Don. This inner wisdom that we have within us. How do we help people tap into that?

Dr. Christy Vincent:

I think it's how we ask the questions and that we are trying to ask what I refer to, what Parker Palmer, a famous writer, refers to as open and honest questions. Let's take the second part of that first. It's an honest question in that you really don't know the answer to it. It's not a leading question. It's where you say to the other person what are all the things that you have thought about how you could handle this? What is your biggest concern as you move forward? As you think about your family relationships, how have they possibly affected how you're thinking about this? Those are all open. You're not suggesting there's an answer, that you're trying to get them to the answer. You're really getting them to reflect and tune in to that inner teacher they have, that inner wisdom. What would not be a good question is, Don't you think the way your mother treated you probably has something to do with how you're feeling about that? That looks like a question. It's masquerading

David Lowry:

Yes, but your advice giving all of that.

Don Drew:

That's also referred to as a closed ended question, really. It's assuming certain things and so on, it's not very useful. An open question, an honest question, has many elements to it. It demonstrates curiosity, it invites a response that isn't assumed, maybe not even expected.

David Lowry:

What's so exciting about this to me is that it opens up new ways of communicating with other people you've known all of your life, maybe or people that you've known 30, 40 years. You sit and have a conversation where you're not trying to push a darn thing on them. You know that these are good people, but you ask questions reflectively and let them process it. And it's magic.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

It really is. And I'll use myself for an example.

David Lowry:

Okay.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

I have identical twin boys who are 24 and they are in law school right now, their first year of law school, first semester. And as a mom watching them go through that process and seeing that they're together, in those classes and they are competing with each other and with the other students and they're learning how to adjust to different professors, they're thinking about their future, they're wondering what type of lawyers they're going to be, all the things. As a mom. I have so much concern for them and so much care for them and I want very much for them to succeed. And so if I mentioned my concern, let's say to a friend, and I'm talking about it, and the friend says, Oh, don't worry, they're going to be fine. They're great. Don't worry. They're going to be fine. Okay. I don't really have anything else to say. That doesn't really address what is going on inside of me. Where if someone said, if you think about it, and you think about your boys and your relationship with them, what's the, what's your fear that's coming forth as you are concerned about this? Or what's the hardest thing about being a mom of a young adult that's, going on their own way in the world? Or, what inside of you\ is feeling an emotion? What part of you is feeling that emotion? What insights are you having about yourself as a mom, as you think about your boys? Those last questions, those are going to get to my inner teacher.

Don Drew:

it really speaks to the honest part of open and honest question because the questioner, the person asking the question, really couldn't know the answer, could they? They're not leading you somewhere. They're not hiding their opinion in the question somewhere. Instead, it's an open question and it's an honest question in that it invites you to speak into that space and the one that's asking the question can't possibly know really where you're going.

David Lowry:

I think one of the things we need to remember as people going through the second half of life is that we honor our friends when we invite them to share their concerns with us and to explore that with us without any expectation that we're going to fix them. If we can honor the fact that, hey, I could be useful as a sounding board or ask some reflective questions, but both of us together will learn more about each other. Don is perfectly capable of doing all kinds of great things. He's already done great things and will continue to do them. But what he may need is a good friend, who will give him the presence of attention and say, let's go through this. Tell me what's up. What are you going through with all of this?

Dr. Christy Vincent:

And if, in my examples that I was giving, if someone says, they're going to be fine, don't worry. I'm going to leave that conversation not feeling any better, less concerned, or less worried. And I'm not going to have any better insight as to what's kind of nagging at me? Why am I worried? But if I am asked those other questions, it's causing me to think critically about myself, not critical as in a negative thing, but to think in a manner of really questioning myself and what's important. I might actually discover what's going on underneath the surface if someone's willing to ask me those open questions and let me talk about it.

David Lowry:

And Christy, a person who gave you that sort of closed ended oh, don't worry. Your kids are going to be fine. They always find a way. They may go away wondering why is it that Christy and I don't really have these deep conversations? And they're very puzzled by why the relationship stays surface level.

Don Drew:

All of us at some time probably give that kind of a response, and we mean well by that. But I think we can all see that's really pretty dismissive and it ends the conversation. There's something else that happens when we give advice maybe not of that nature, but when we're saying if I were you, I would do this, that, or the other, right? And we'd usually do that also, meaning well. But one of the things we do when we give advice and we tell somebody how they should do something is basically, we're taking ownership of that issue and saying, I don't believe you're capable of solving this. This is what you need to do. And that's very problematic.

David Lowry:

And man, that leaves people feeling empty too.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Yes, and it doesn't treat them like the creators in their lives that they are. It treats them as if we don't really think they know what to do about a problem. And we don't act as if they have an inner teacher or any inner wisdom and that they need us. And when you think about it, if someone asks you for your advice. If someone says, look, here's what I'm dealing with, what would you do? It's easy in that moment to actually give them your advice. My suggestion is that you start with questions. What about my advice would be helpful to you right now? What parts of my experience that I've had are you thinking would make me particularly good at responding to this? What kinds of suggestions are you looking for suggestions about how you're thinking about the problem? Are you looking for suggestions for actually what to do in the moment when your child does this or that? Even doing that helps you know what kind of advice to give, and then you can give your perspective and your advice. But again, the way we do that is with this humbleness that says, I think have answers yourself. I'm willing to share my experience with you because you've asked me for it. But continuing to show that person, I am here for you and I believe in your abilities.

David Lowry:

This is a tricky thing that all parents run into with adult children. From time to time, my kid will come up and do something like, dad, what do you think I should do about, fill in whatever.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

I think one of the things I would say if my adult child asked me a question, what do you think I should do about this? I would say first of all, tell me what are some of the things that you have thought about? What are some options you have come up with? As you've thought of those? What's caused you to discard some over another? Again turning it back to asking them for what they thought. But then you could also say what is the hardest part about this decision?

David Lowry:

Oh, that's a really good one.

Don Drew:

Let's talk for a few minutes about how to make those questions. better. Because asking questions is great, asking good questions is even better. So how do we do that? What do we look for in our way of asking questions?

Dr. Christy Vincent:

I think what you said is important and that is the way you're asking the question, the tone that you're using, but it's backed up by a genuine curiosity and a genuine interest in the other person, and a willingness to curb your judgment of what their answer is. You may be judging their answer and you may want to tell them that, but the first thing is your basic posture is curiosity, openness, and your tone is one that invites the other person to talk as opposed to feeling like it's not a psychologically safe conversation.

Don Drew:

And the importance then of active listening. We've, David, you and I have done a program before on active listening, right? It's one thing to ask a question, then it's another to actually listen in a meaningful way, right? So Christy, I've heard that why questions are not usually great questions. What's that about?

Dr. Christy Vincent:

I think it tends to put people on the defensive when you're asking them to justify. Why as a reason giving a question and they may not have the answer to that or the answer may be complicated. It may be multiple reasons. And we learned in communication that why questions can be problematic. There are some ways that you can help with that. Sometimes, I will actually put a phrase at the front of it. Can you help me understand your thinking about that? Can you walk me through your thinking? Can you help me understand the way you were going about your reasons in that? All of those are better questions that don't put the person on the defensive and make you look like you really are wanting to learn and be curious about the other person and what they're doing.

Don Drew:

So, to repeat that one phrase that you used, just then, help me understand. You taught me that several years ago. I used it a number of times in my life and it really helps, especially when a conversation may be a little difficult. When the person that's expressing some kind of angst or whatever and seems to invite your input at the same time by saying, help me understand how you got there or what is bothering you when someone is an open invitation for the person to clarify. And I found that to be extremely useful.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Oh, absolutely. I call it a face giving statement because it assumes there are reasons and there are things behind their behavior and you're trying to understand them. You've really brought up something that I did want to mention, and that is that one of the most important times to ask questions is when you are in a difficult conversation, even something you might call a conflict with someone else. Usually we're in a telling mode. We want them to understand our perspective. We want them to understand what they have done that has been offensive or problematic for us. We want that to be changed, or we want an apology. And the last thing we are, is really curious. And we find out that when we go in with this telling mode, then they reciprocate with their telling mode. Often things, emotions come in and people stand there telling and they're actually talking past one another. So, if we can do that perspective seeking questions to where we say, everyone's behavior makes sense in their own world. Right? Everyone's behavior makes sense in their own world. How can I understand that world? I may not agree with it. I'm not saying we have to always agree. But I'm trying to say, how are they viewing things? What are they paying attention to? How are they interpreting or assigning meaning to things that happen? If I can be curious about that, often, there's maybe even not a conflict or if it's anything, it's a misunderstanding or it's even agreed to disagree. And we can use question asking and conflict to to keep the temperature down on the conflict and to truly come up with solutions that are mutually satisfactory as opposed to one person pushes their solution.

David Lowry:

It bsounds to me like you're trying to help the other person gain clarity and give you clarity.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Yeah, absolutely.

David Lowry:

And clarity is is so helpful. When we have that moment of clarity about what it is I need to do with a problem, or the moment of clarity of why the problem exists, or what I need to do going forward, those are really wonderful moments in our life, right? As opposed to living in this netherworld where there's more questions than direction.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

I was thinking about, when I go on my day to day job as a coach, I am not coming into the situation, assuming that the person I am with is not an professional person who's extremely accomplished and who's doing very well in their lives. Why do they need a coach? It's not because I have the answers for them. It's because I am willing to have a posture of curiosity and openness. And I am willing to ask questions that help them think for themselves. Even sometimes when you hear yourself talk, you start getting better insight, better awareness and you start thinking about things a little differently than you did before. It's almost like you picked up a different pair of glasses and you're looking at the problem through a different lens because someone asked you a question that reframed the issue a bit for you.

David Lowry:

My friend Duane used to say, I don't know what I think about it until I talk. There's truth to that.

Don Drew:

Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So, it's important to ask more questions. We've done that well, I think. And we've talked more about how to ask better questions. Here's the issue that I see. We and our listeners are for the most part in a second half of our lives. We have spent our life directing, telling doing, instruction, explaining, and so forth. We probably haven't been where we ask a whole lot of questions in our life. How can we train ourselves at this point? How do we actually do it?

Dr. Christy Vincent:

It's a mindfulness, being mindful of it, but I think the first thing is for each of us to think about a time when we were wanting someone to ask us some questions and they didn't. And we get into that feeling of what it's like when you think I left that conversation and that person never asked me one question. They could see that I wanted to talk about some things, but it was empty. And if we have a desire to have deeper and better relationships, then one, staying in that feeling for a minute and realizing, Hey, we may be doing that to the other person. And we're not meaning to, we're not trying to be rude. But we are leaving them feeling like we have felt before. That's one thing. Another is to, put little reminders to ourselves. On my computer at home, I have,"wait, why am I talking?" in coaching, it should be about an 80, 20, your client should be talking about 80 percent of the time. And as a coach, if I'm starting to find myself talking and telling, as opposed to asking questions, then, I'm not doing my job well.

David Lowry:

Christy, the other night I met a buddy for dinner and he asked a very perspective taking question and I started to answer. Then somehow his mind became derailed. He interrupted and went a whole nother direction. I felt shut down and I remember thinking, Oh man!

Don Drew:

That wasn't me, was it?

David Lowry:

Oh no, no, no, it wasn't you. But we do that. Sometimes we don't realize we've asked a person something that has great significance to them, and they really want to talk about it, and then we scoot off in a different direction and leave them holding an emotional bag. I felt disappointed that I didn't get to explore that and share that with my friend.

Don Drew:

Christy, about eight years ago, you did a TEDx talk in which he get the name wrong, but I think it was catch yourself catching yourself or something to that effect. And that really was about being self aware. You mentioned mindfulness just a minute ago, being self aware and looking for those things that you want to change in your life. How can that help us make this shift?

Dr. Christy Vincent:

Yeah, catch yourself being

Don Drew:

Catch yourself being yourself. Okay.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

And what that's about is that we have our own blind spots and our own ways of thinking about the world that, if they go unchallenged, then we continue to respond with the same thing. Sometimes we can catch ourselves and know ourselves better if we're in conversation with other people and we're in these kinds of deep relationships, we can kind of see and pay attention to when we are doing that thing, we do, whatever it is. And, It's a mindfulness. It's a reflection. It's where you say to yourself, I want to live my life with purpose. I want to live my life with intention. And so I'm going to, behave according to those intentions. So, for example, I often, before I go into a certain conversation or a certain situation, I will remind myself in that moment. How do you want to show up? I asked myself if I'm going to go have coffee with one of my sons who's in, in law school and stressful. It's fine. It's stressful. How do I want to show up? And as I'm getting out of the car in the parking lot, walking into the coffee shop, how do I want to show up? And do I want to show up as a mom who cares, but who's also able to not make it about me, who's able to listen to their situation, who's able to ask questions that are helpful to them, who's, who's able to make this time that we're spending together drinking coffee, where they leave feeling better than they did.

Don Drew:

One way we can do that is by asking more questions and asking better questions. Dr. Christy Vincent, thank you very much for being with us today. So appreciate this. And thank you for being our first guest, we've had that's been on twice. So congratulations.

David Lowry:

Christy, I am so proud to call you a friend. Don, you married above yourself,

Don Drew:

I absolutely did.

Dr. Christy Vincent:

I appreciate the opportunity. I love you both very dearly and thank you for letting me be on.

David Lowry:

Thank you. We'll see you again soon. And Don, I look forward to our next conversation next week.

Don Drew:

Absolutely.

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Dr. David Lowry

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Dr. Don Drew

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